


Cracks

by saltyfeathers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-27 05:49:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyfeathers/pseuds/saltyfeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean thinks about Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cracks

The thought popped into his head in that half sleeping and half-awake gray area of morning, when the washed out early sun reached around the cheap motel blinds to dance on his eyelids, poking the things he didn’t want to think about with a sharp stick.  


It was funny it took him so long to realize it, considering the obviousness of the answer. But it wasn’t the time to think this through half-assed. This disturbingly clear mind was only accessible at extremely inconvenient times, and he needed to use the most of it.  


It was time for Dean Winchester to ask the question, what about Cas? And this time, he might even have the courage to answer it.  


It had all started with the handprint. Or in the warehouse. Or in hell. Whatever. Wherever it started, however it started, wasn’t even that important. The only important thing to know was that it did start, a long time ago. From the moment Dean truly met Castiel, whenever that may be, his future veered at an alarming velocity into territory he really wasn’t interested in traversing.  


For the longest time, it had been just him and Sam. Sure, they had help, but at the end of the day, when it was just the two of them sharing their takeout food for the fifth time that week, it was hard to think of anyone else. When Dean had learned Sam’s morning routine better than he knew his own, when he could judge Sam’s reaction to things moments before his brother had even heard them- when they had been on the road together for more than half their lives, what more could beat that? No one could hold a candle to his baby brother because no one was more important than his baby brother.  


And then Cas happened.  


It wasn’t like he was a surrogate brother, or that he replaced Sam, or anything like that. But there was something, every once in a while, when Cas would do something or say something, and Dean would feel something churn deep inside him, equal parts awed and confused- a smirk or a gesture that resonated with him on some level pretty far under the surface. Maybe it was pride, or happiness, or love, but again, it didn’t really matter. A lot of things with Cas didn’t matter, if he was being honest with himself. But something did. Something big.  


They had been through a lot with Cas- Angels, demons, the apocalypse, the necklace, the civil war, the alphas, and now, the Leviathans. Quite the list.  


It wasn’t just external forces, though. Dealing with Cas’ betrayal, with the breaking of Sam’s wall and everything that came after, that was the hard part. Because Dean didn’t care about killing Leviathans and demons. But he did care about Sam. And Cas. And when Cas, a person that he cared about, destroyed Sam, a person that he cared about, it had been unbearable. Suddenly, Cas was dead and Sam was broken, and those people he cared about so much were gone in one way or another. Unless he also wanted to disappear, be it literally or figuratively, he needed to deal with it. So he drank. So he got angry. So he yelled a lot. That whole time that Cas was gone, that Sam was broken, he had been ready to end it with the slightest provocation.  


He had gone through all the stages of grief except for one. Acceptance. He would never ever accept any of it. The only problem with holding a grudge that strong was how forcefully it pushed back. Every once in a while, he felt it shift. It wasn’t getting smaller, but it was moving away from a place where it could continually hurt him. It was like pushing a boulder up a hill, but still, he was doing it. Hell, there had been one night, months ago, long before Cas returned, where Dean had been out in the street, calling the angel’s name over and over. He yelled until he couldn’t anymore, and had gone inside more defeated and angry than before. It was a strong grudge in both directions, unfortunately.  


Being pulled in two directions was painful enough, but when Cas returned, it became too much for him to deal with- again. There had been words clawing up his throat, fighting to be said, but Dean had held back, because that’s what he did best. He did exactly what he did when he thought Cas was gone. Namely, ignore every emotion that wanted to be expressed and focus on the task at hand- fixing Sam. This time, however, there were cracks. Giving Cas his coat back, for one. Speaking to Emmanuel about his “friend”. Small cracks, most definitely, but they were part of a dam holding back an ocean. Water was patient, and so were his fears and insecurities. It was only a matter of time before those demons started wearing down that wall, one chip of plaster at a time.  


Later, he would find it funny, in a dark, black kind of way. How fitting, he thought, that just as they were trying to rebuild Sam’s wall, he had been breaking down his own.  


Suddenly, Dean entered the realm of the waking again, the gray world he had just been in slipping through the cracks like water though the palms of his hands. He blinked against the blinding morning sun, bright against the blue sky of day. It reminded him of something…


End file.
